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Funny Jokes
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please
wait....Searching....searching...still
searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
☻I'M
AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO
THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX
WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT
BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
☻All the love that history knows is said to be in
every rose!Yet all the love that could be found
in two, is less than what I feel for you.
☻If
you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.
☻When
a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual
harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man,
it's $3.95 per minute.
☻Out
of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born
Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays
off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding
ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like
everyone else.
☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink
rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma.
And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog
eating mayonnaise!
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do
it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little
to be out on it's own!!!!
☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU
WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE…
☻Their are moments in life when you really miss
someone. And you wish you could just pluck them
from your dreams......
☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me,
and I love myself too...
☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.??
...Okay, then can we just practice?
☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
☻Jesus
loves you... everyone else thinks your an
asshole…
☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your
pipi…
☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges
your penis...........................ERROR: Your
penis was not found! Sorry..............
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little
to be out on it's own!!!!
☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but
better for boy to park meat in girl.
☻News:
3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught
watching tv... another playing football and the
third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God
made man and then rested. God made women and
then no one rested
☻The
longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN
News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to
track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as
one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime
doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This
dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog,
keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog,
20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the
word dog.
☻Why
were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the
final copy.
☻I
want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my
tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my
mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA:
A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't
spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it
on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do
you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone
going slower than you is an idiot and everyone
driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What
is the difference between a wife and a
girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q:
What is the difference between a smart blonde
and a UFO?
A:
There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I
think drinking and driving is terrible. You
always spill it when you change gears...
☻There
was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with
her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she
was 6 months pregnant.
☻What
did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What
happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've
used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in
dead.
☻A
3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss:
(to employee) - Experts say humor on the job
relieves tension in this time of down-sizing,
Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's
the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim
for the stars. But first, aim for their
bodyguards.
☻Two
goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What
is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The
probability of someone watching you is
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q:
What does a blonde owl say?
A:
What, what?
☻WOMAN:
The most efficient money reducing agent known to
man-kind!
☻What
do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why
was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a
TV.
☻Why
did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What
do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's
the difference between Margaret Thatcher and
Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
☻Q:
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers
disease?
A: Her
IQ goes up.
☻Jesus
saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any
woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is
through his stomach is aiming just a little too
high.
☻I'm
late for work because the train driver had an
out of body experience and didn't come back for
a day and a half.
☻I
like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole
one.
☻How
many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For
sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
☻What
do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A
miracle.
☻Whats
the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing
pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why
doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall
through his hands.
☻Whits
pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer
Gran!
☻What
are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making
love? Honey, I'm home!
☻What
do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch
who knows everything.
☻How
do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot
of his head.
☻Q:
How many men does it take to change a toilet
roll?
A: We
don't know. Never happens.
☻Q:
Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He
couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q:
What do you get when you cross a computer with a
whore?
A: An
f****ing know it all.
☻ A
chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered
some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry,
we don't serve food here".
A:
Because people keep hitting them with
dictionaries.
☻ Why
do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻ I've
got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say
we tie up for the night?
☻If
I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I
together.
☻ Why'd
the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard
every fourth child born is chinese.
☻ What
did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻I
can please only one person per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
☻ It's
no accident that stressed spelled backwards is
desserts.
☻ I
wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it
turn?
☻ Just
because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're
NOT out to get you.
☻ You're
slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
peanut butter.
☻ I'd
explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
☻ My
Reality Check bounced.
☻ Minds
are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
☻ Do
not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will whiz on your computer.
☻ Lightyears
ahead! Just a phonecall away!
☻Very
funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
☻Do
chickens think rubber humans are funny?
☻There
cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already
full.
☻Borrow
money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
☻As
a computer, I find your faith in technology
amusing
☻Nothing
in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
☻What
do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
☻What's
the quietest place in the world? The complaint
department at the parachute packing plant
☻Q:
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at
you?
☻A:
Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her
mouth.
☻Why
don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1
☻What's
the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
☻What
is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
☻A
successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
☻Marriage
is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a
wedding ring, and suffering
☻How
Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
☻Marriage
is the process of finding out what kind of man
your wife would have preferred.
☻If
you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
☻Did
you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being
sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
☻If
you can't change your mind, are you sure you
still have one?
☻Did
you ever walk into a room and and forget why you
walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
☻I'm
not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No
pain.
☻I
only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know
what I would have smelled of.
☻Did
you hear about the idiot who walked around the
world? He drowned.
☻A
woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked
the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave
her one!
☻Four
fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get
out! We don't want your type in here"
☻A
priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The
barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
☻A
sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says
"Sorry we don't serve food in here"
☻A
dyslexic man walks into a bra
☻A man
walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his
arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
☻A
three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Did
you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He
wanted to transcend dental medication.
☻I met
a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,
phoned her up to arrange a date but
unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
☻Two
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving
once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
☻News:
3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught
watching tv.. another playing football and the
third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God
made man and then rested. God made women and
then no one rested
☻The
longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN
News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to
track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as
one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime
doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This
dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog,
keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog,
20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the
word dog.
☻Why
were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the
final copy.
☻I
want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my
tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my
mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't
spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it
on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do
you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone
going slower than you is an idiot and everyone
driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What
is the difference between a wife and a
girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q:
What is the difference between a smart blonde
and a UFO?
A: There
have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I
think drinking and driving is terrible. You
always spill it when you change gears...
☻There
was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with
her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she
was 6 months pregnant.
☻What
did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What
happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've
used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in
dead.
☻A
3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss:
(to employee) - Experts say humor on the job
relieves tension in this time of down-sizing,
Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a
Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim
for the stars. But first, aim for their
bodyguards.
☻Two
goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What
is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The
probability of someone watching you is
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q:
What does a blonde owl say?
A: What,
what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent
known to man-kind!
☻What
do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why
was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a
TV.
☻What
do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
☻Why
did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What
do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher
and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the
Majors
☻Q:
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's
disease?
A: Her IQ
goes up.
☻Jesus
saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any
woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is
through his stomach is aiming just a little too
high.
☻I'm
late for work because the train driver had an
out of body experience and didn't come back for
a day and a half.
☻What
do you get if you cross an Irishman with a
German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
☻I
like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole
one.
☻How
many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For
sale : Air Bags, Used once.
☻What
do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A
miracle.
☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing
pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why
doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall
through his hands.
☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer
trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What
are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making
love? Honey, I'm home!
What do
you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who
knows everything.
☻How
do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot
of his head.
☻Q:
How many men does it take to change a toilet
roll?
A: We
don't know. Never happens.
☻Q:
Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He
couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q:
What do you get when you cross a computer with a
whore?
A: An
fucking know it all.
☻A
chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered
some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry,
we don't serve food here".
☻Because people keep hitting them with
dictionaries.
☻Why
do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻I've
got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say
we tie up for the night?
☻If
I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I
together.
☻Why'd
the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard
every fourth child born is chinese.
☻What
did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻Q:
How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing
for french fries.
☻Q:
What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has
a real live culture.
☻Q:
What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery
bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous
for kids to play with. The other you carry
groceries in.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there?
Every time I knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a
kiss.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
☻friendship is like peeing in your pants.
every1 can c it but only u can feel its true
warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants
xxxx
☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse
(_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired
arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped
his dotcom when downloading. Since he was
virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her
hotmail she screamed yahoo!
☻Today its cool to have small cars and small
computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small
penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't
get an erection but you look hard!
☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network
has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2
inform u that no one would go down on u.not
even a network
☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T:
Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today.
Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
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