|
☻Abracadabra |
| Nope, ur
still ugly! |
|
|
|
☻Ths msg
cn only B read by a SEXY person: |
| Nothing?
Sorry, I guess UR just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt
force it ugly, get lost! |
|
|
|
☻2 cows
in a field. 1 cow says 'Hv U hrd about ths
mad cow disease?' |
| T oTr
thinks & replies 'Yep but it doesn't affect
us rabbits.' |
|
|
|
☻T
Japanese hv banned all animal movements
after discovering droppings in T Bdding in
2kyo. |
| Ty Blieve
it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse. |
|
|
|
☻Hw do U
occupy an idiot? |
| Press down
- Press up! |
|
|
|
☻2 men R
fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man
places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s
nice. |
| 1st man
says 'It's T least I cn do. We wr married
for 25 years.' |
|
|
|
☻Y did T
farmer win a noBl prize? |
| Bcoz he
was out st&ing in his field! |
|
|
|
☻Y did T
jelly baby go 2 school? |
| Bcoz it
wanted 2 B a smarty. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
U cll a dog with no legs? |
| It doesn't
m@ter wot U cll him, he ain't gonna cum. |
|
|
|
☻For
sale complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition.
£1,000 ONO. |
| No longer
needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing! |
|
|
|
☻I went
2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day |
| But I cdnt
find NE. |
|
|
|
☻Y did T
cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria? |
| He hrd
children wr half price. |
|
|
|
☻Y dnt
lobsters shR? |
| Bcoz Ty're
shellfish. |
|
|
|
☻I'm an
alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're
reading ths I'm having sex with Ur finger. |
| I know U
like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling! |
|
|
|
☻T
jogger who overslept found himself
running... |
| l@e. |
|
|
|
☻A girl
ph1d me T oTr day & said 'Come no over,
Tre's nobody home'. |
| I went
over. Nobody was home. |
|
|
|
☻Woman
asks a barman 'Cn I hv a double entendre
please?' |
| so T
barman gave her 1. |
|
|
|
☻2
aerials meet on a roof - fell in love & got
married. |
| T ceremony
was terrible, but T reception was brilliant! |
|
|
|
☻I had a
ploughman's lunch T oTr day. |
| He wasn't
V happy. |
|
|
|
☻Y dnt
c@s shv? |
| Coz 80%
prefer Whiskers! |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike? |
| Rev. |
|
|
|
☻Did U
hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able
shoes? |
| He popped
his clogs! |
|
|
|
☻Chelsea
signed 2 players from Icel&. |
| Ranieri
said 'If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys. |
|
|
|
☻Hw do U
communic@e with a fish? |
| Drop it a
line. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
elephants hv for dinner? |
| An hour,
just like T rest of T animals. |
|
|
|
☻Hw does
Bob Marley like his s&wiches? |
| Wi jammin. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
U cll a triple barrel shotgun? |
| A trifle. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
U cll a h&cuffed man? |
| Trus2rthy. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
Mexicns hv under Tir carpets? |
| Underlay!
Underlay! |
|
|
|
☻Wht's T
maximum penalty of bigamy? |
| 2 moTrs-in-law. |
|
|
|
☻Wht do
U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang? |
| A bad
smell U cnt get rid of. |
|
|
|
☻Wht's T
fastest cake in T world? |
| Sc1. |
|
|
|
☻Hw do U
kp a txtr in suspense? |
| I'll tel U
l8r. |
|
|
|
☻Y R
dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners? |
| So men cn
underst& Tm. |
|
|
|
☻Wot do
U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U? |
| Take T pin
out & throw it back. |
|
|
|
☻Hv U
hrd about T magic trac2r? |
| It went
down a country road & turned in2 a field. |
|
|
|
☻I want
2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her… |
| not
screaming in terror like his passengers! |
|
|
|
☻Spell
hungry horse in 4 letters. |
| M T G G. |
|
|
|
☻I used
2 like trac2rs... |
| ...but now
I'm an extrac2r fan. |
|
|
|
☻My wife
dresses 2 kill |
| T only
problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner. |
|
|
|
☻Wht did
1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet? |
| I find U V
@tractive. |
|
|
|
☻Hw do U
kp an idiot amused? |
| W@ch ths
message until it goes away! |
|
|
|
☻Tre wr
2 cows in a field - Daisy & MaBl. |
D: 'I've
bn artificially insemin@ed.'
M: 'I dnt Blieve U!'
D: 'Straight up, no bull!' |
|
|
|
☻Girls
think boys are fit. Boys think girls are
sexy. But don't worry... |
| I'm sure
science Will come up With something To help
you. |
|
|
|
☻How to
impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her,
love her, tease her, protect her, listen to
her, support her |
| How to
impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer |
|
|
|
☻There
are 4 animal species a woman needs in her
life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her
closet, tiger in her bed! |
| And of
course adonkey to pay her bills!! |
|
|
|
☻The
average woman would rather have beauty than
brains, |
| because
the average man can see better than he can
think |
|
|
|
☻Brain
Search: Brain detector activated,
calibrating, now searching.........still
searching......get a good grip of your gsm.... |
| still
searching.......no brains found |
|
|
|
☻Why did
they call it PMS? |
| Mad cow
disease was already taken! |
|
|
|
☻Mary
had a little lamb |
| The doctor
fainted!!! |
|
|
|
☻When a
man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual
harassment |
| when a
women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per
minute! |
|
|
|
☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous,
good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny |
|
well...Enough about ME! How about you? |
|
|
|
☻I Want
triplets you want twins.... |
| Lets get
in bed and see who wins |
|
|
|
☻Hello I
am a virus and I am entering your brain
right now... |
| Sorry I am
leaving now, I can't find a brain |
|
|
|
☻Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at
the stars, then I wondered... |
| Hey, where
on earth IS MY ROOF! |
|
|
|
☻I
wanted to send you something that would make
you smile... |
| But the
postman told me to get out of the mailbox |
|
|
|
☻Drive
carefully: |
| 90% of
people in this world are caused by
accidents... |
|
|
|
☻God
made man and then rested, |
| God made
women and then no one rested |
|
|
|
☻Why do
men chase women they have no intention of
marrying? |
| It's like
when dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving |
|
|
|
☻blonde
is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another
blonde across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the
other side?' |
| The other
blonde yells back, 'U R on the other side!' |
|
|
|
☻How do
you keep a blonde busy all day? |
| Put her in
a round room and tell her to sit in the
corner |
|
|
|
☻What do
u call a blonde hiding in a closet? |
| The 1987
world hide and seek champion |
|
|
|
☻What do
7'tall basketball players do in their off
season? |
| Go to the
movies and sit in front of you |
|
|
|
☻Why do
only 10% of men make it to heaven? |
| Because if
they all went it would be hell |
|
|
|
☻Why
can't men get Mad Cow's Disease? |
| Because
they are pigs |
|
|
|
☻How
many letters are in the Alphabet? |
| Nineteen.
Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI
went after him! |
|
|
|
☻What is
the difference between blondes and traffic
signs? |
| Some
traffic signs say stop |
|
|
|
☻How do
you keep an idiot in suspense............?? |
| Tell you
later........ |
|
|
|
☻Why
don't blondes talk whilst having sex? |
| Because
their mums told them not to talk to
strangers! |
|
|
|
☻Never
let a man's mind wander, |
| It's too
little to be out on it's own!!!! |
|
|
|
☻What
beats his chest and swings from Christmas
cake to Christmas cake? |
| Tarzipan! |
|
|
|
☻Mum,
Can I have a dog for Christmas? |
| No you can
have turkey like everyone else ! |
|
|
|
☻Who is
never hungry at Christmas? |
| The turkey
- he's always stuffed ! |
|
|
|
☻We had
grandma for Christmas dinner? |
| Really, we
had turkey! |
|
|
|
☻This
turkey tastes like an old settee. |
| Well, you
asked for something with plenty of stuffing. |
|
|
|
☻What
does Father Christmas write on his Christmas
cards? |
|
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) |
|
|
|
☻Why did
the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? |
| She didn't
want to wake the sleeping tablets! |
|
|
|
☻The
average woman would rather have beauty than
brains... |
| Because
the average man can see better than he can
think |
|
|
|
☻What's
the difference between Bigfoot and
intelligent men? |
| Big foot
has been spotted a few times |
|
|
|
☻What
did the bartender say to the jumper cables
when they walked into the bar? |
| Ok you 2,
don't start anything. |
|
|
|
☻Two
blondes were driving to Disney Land when
they saw a sign that read, "Disney Land
left" |
| So they
turned round and went home. |
|
|
|
☻Drink
until she's cute |
| But stop
before the wedding! |
|
|
|
☻Guy
asks his waiter how they prepare their
chicken. |
| The waiter
replies 'nothing special - we just flat out
tell 'em they're gonna die'. |
|
|
|
☻He
said: "I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it." |
| She said:
"You wear underpants, don't you?" |
|
|
|
☻What's
the difference between men and women? |
| A woman
wants one man to satisfy her every need; a
man wants every woman to satisfy his one
need. |
