Put Downs SMS

→ You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one...

→ Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

→ I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception

→ I hear you're connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs...

→ Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

→ I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

→ Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.

→ I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

→ See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

→ Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

→ Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!

→ You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.

→ I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have anywhere to put it!

→ Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.

→ Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

→ Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?

→ When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?

→ You're so bent you make roundabouts look straight!

→ I've seen better hands on a leper!

→ This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

→ You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

→ I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

→ You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with both feet.

→ So now we know why some mammals eat their children...

→ His mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

→ There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

→ He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown

→ A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams

→ If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

→ God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien

→ She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

→ If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman

→ Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields

→ He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

→ Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman

→ Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles

→ Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

→ The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

→ I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan

→ He's proof that there's life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

→ The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

→ He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

→ She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

→ For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells

→ Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

→ An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

→ Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

→ He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

→ When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

→ Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

→ He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

→ What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

→ Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

→ A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

→ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

→ He's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.

→ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

→ One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

→ Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree

→ A donut short of being a cop

→ A few feathers short of a whole duck.

→ From the British Army? Are you sure you're not from the Salvation Army?

→ Which village is missing its idiot?.

→ A Titanic intellect ... In a world full of icebergs

→ A few clowns short of a circus

→ A few beads short in her rosary.

→ As a failure, you are a great success.

→ You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

→ As bright as Alaska in December.

→ He's several sausages short of a barbecue. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

→ He's so dense, light bends around him

→ She's one tit short of an udder

→ He'll be doing joined up writing next

→ Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

→ He's a day late and a dollar short.

→ All Preparation, no H

→ College letters other than I.O.U

→ The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight

→ You should request a refund from your university.

→ Who's several apples short of a bunch?

→ Whose doughnut is out of jam?